Tuesday bloody Tuesday

FAIRFAX NEWS LIMITEDTUESDAY, 12 AUGUST 2008

After running a thousand errands, working hours of overtime, and beingstuck in seemingly endless gridlock traffic commuting to and from theirjobs, millions of Australians were disheartened to learn that it was, infact, only Tuesday.

"Tuesday?" Canberra resident Doris Wagner said. "How in the hell is itstill Tuesday?"Tuesday's arrival stunned a nation still recovering from the nightmarishslog that was Monday, leaving some to wonder if the week was ever goingto end, and others to ask what was taking Saturday so damn long."Ugh," said Wagner, echoing a national sense of frustration over it noteven being Wednesday at the very least.

According to suddenly depressed sources, the feeling that this week mayin fact last forever was further compounded by the thought of all thework left to be done tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and, if Australians make it that far, possibly even Friday, for goodness sake. Fears that the week could actually be going backwards were alsoexpressed. "Not only do Australians have most of Tuesday morning to contend with,but all of Tuesday afternoon and then Tuesday night, " National LaborRelations Board spokesman David Prynn said. "If our calculations are correct, there is a chance we are in effect closer to last weekend than the one coming up."Added Prynn: "F**k."Reports that this all has to be some kind of sick joke could not beconfirmed as of press time.

Isolated attempts to make the day go faster, such as glancing at watchesor clocks every other minute, compulsively checking e-mail, hiding in the office bathroom, fidgeting, or reading a boring magazine while sitting in the waiting room, have also proven unsuccessful, sources report.

The National Institute of Standards and Technology, which oversees the official time of Australia, is flatly denying that it has slowed orotherwise tampered with Tuesday's progression. "The current Tuesday is keeping apace with past Tuesdays with no more than one ten-thousandth of a second's variation at the most, " NISTspokeswoman Dr. Geraldine Schach said. "However, I sympathise with the common consensus that this week has already been a colossal pain in the neck."Labor Secretary Elaine Chao released a statement addressing wide spread speculation that it might as well be Monday for all anyone cares."We understand this day has been tough on many of you, what with meetings mercilessly dragging on and an entire stack of files still left to organise," Chao's statement read in part. "Yet we urge Australians to show patience. The midweek hump is just around the corner, and we have strong reason to believe that Saturday will be here before you know it.""Go about your lives as best you can," the statement continued. "Do not, we repeat, do not take a sick day, as it'll make the rest of the week that much harder to endure."In the meantime, citizens are doing their best to cope with the interminable week, though Tuesday is still hours away from ending.

"The more I try to speed it along, the longer it almost seems to take,"said Dale Bouchard, a Sydney-based broker who has been waiting for today to be over since it first began earlier this morning. "Honestly, today could not have come at a worse time this week."In the meantime, the latest wristwatch consultations indicate that it issomehow still Tuesday, if that makes any sense at all.

Please note this is a pretend article that someone emailed me and I thought it described my Tuesdays (yes all of them) really well.
Mondo.